Spoiler alert! This article isn’t about men and the workplace. It's about “inside” work – the work men need to do on "ourselves" to improve the way we are currently living our lives.
Before I talk about men let's start with women. Women have evolved enormously over the past 40 years and transformed the way they show up in the world. The 1970s woman is a lot different to present day and they are leading the way in self-awareness, bettering themselves and building collegiate communities. In just 4 decades an entire gender has redefined itself.
Men haven’t yet gone on this journey. We have become stagnant. Now is the time for us to do the work. Our inside worlds are full of pain and suffering and we aren’t quite sure of our place and role in today’s society. I am sure women would agree they are still not where they want to be – could it be because men haven’t changed too?
I have listed the key areas we need to have a look at that helps us commence the “work”. Not all of these things relate to every man, we are all on a different path but they need to be addressed so we can start making the changes in our lives.
Talk – We don’t talk enough. Women are great at this. They talk shit through. Talking helps. The challenge for men is going to a safe place and / or person we can talk to. If our friendship circle is typically ego driven alpha-males, then this may not feel like a safe space to go to. So where then? Counselling can be daunting. Talking about how we feel seems awkward and unnatural. So, we don’t talk as it all gets too hard. The thing is that when we do talk it may not be an accurate reflection of our inner worlds. “Yeh I’m ok” doesn’t necessarily mean “Yeh I’m ok”. Options are increasing for men to talk. Men’s circles and groups have started to emerge as places where men can go to just “chat”. Mens Talk AU is an organisation based in Perth and is a great starting point to explore avenues that feel right for you. It’s easy to get lost in the “system” of working out where to start. Everyone will say they can help when in reality each support provider serves a particular purpose depending on your needs and challenges. There is no one-size fits all. We are all at different points, but Paul Litwin and the team will be able to support you in navigating the options available.
Suppress – If we are not talking then what happens? Yes, that’s right we suppress. Possibly the most unhelpful action we can take. Over a prolonged period, this can lead to severe outcomes with one of those being suicide. What are we risking by letting it all out? Letting go of the pain and suffering seems such a stretch. We are the masters of distracting ourselves from our pain with a flurry of activity whether that’s ploughing into our careers, excessive spending or even more harmful and unhelpful habits. We fall victim to the quick fix and live in a state of denial. If we are serious about getting better, there are many ways to bring this suppression to the surface. Life coaching, breathwork, psychology, psychotherapy, meditation or a good old-fashioned cry are just a few ways. Men account for 3 out of 4 suicides – this equates to 6 per day. 82 per day make a serious attempt. Men die 7 years younger than women. 50 men die per day from preventable causes. I could go on. Something has to change here.
Feel – We don’t “feel” enough. Feeling is healing. Feeling and leaning into discomfort and acknowledging our pain is the work. If it’s hurting, you’re doing the work. The hurt is healing, and the only way out is through. Once we accept that we are doing the work, we can silence our internal critic that says feeling pain means we are “doing something wrong”. This is a big mindset shift for men. The moment we begin to understand that feeling our pain is important and productive is the moment we start to make progress. A quote from Vironika Tugaleva – “Emotional pain cannot kill you, but running from it can. Allow. Embrace. Let yourself feel. Let yourself heal”.
Coping Mechanisms – What coping mechanisms have we got in our toolkit? Anger, drugs, alcohol, gambling to name a few. These provide some short-term relief but may not be helpful in the long run. More men than women turn to unhealthy coping strategies – this is fact. We are less likely to seek help to change the situation. By turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms, we are “masking” the problem. Some of the strategies are introducing new problems in the form of relationship breakdowns, workplace issues and health problems. Unfortunately, these coping mechanisms are delaying the inevitable – cracks appear, life starts to break down and things get ugly. The first step is to educate men how to access help. The next is how we can avoid the pitfalls of destructive coping strategies and commence using positive alternatives.
Accountability – We are not accountable enough to our actions. We blame this person, offer up excuses and live in denial. We need to start shifting our mindset here. I am in male social media chat groups and see constant below the line thoughts and comments. Victim thinking is rife. C’mon fellas, you are responsible for your life and when you realise this, things will start to turn for you and those around you. Your outer world is a reflection of your inner world – if your outer world is in turmoil, it’s because you are suffering internally. Half our battle is quietening the ego. For a lot of us males it is strong, and we think it is helpful. Those of us with “noisy” egos are self-focused which drowns out empathy, hinders personal development and creates discord in interpersonal relationships – sound familiar? What we are not striving for here is no ego but to have a “quiet” ego. The quiet ego constructs a self-identify that is neither self-focused nor excessively other-focused – this identity incorporates others without losing the self.
To extend the thinking, I am taking an excerpt from Steve Biddulph’s book “The New Manhood”. He talks about what a good man looks like and sums it up in 2 words – backbone and heart. To find this place there are truths of manhood that men need to confront, grieve over and eventually celebrate. You are going to have to practice “quietening” the ego before reading this. The 5 truths are:
1. You are going to die
2. Life is hard
3. You are not that important
4. Your life is not about you
5. You are not in control of the outcome
Wow aren’t these are hit to the noisy ego? Read them again. Surrendering to these are easier said than done. But as Biddulph outlines if we fail to accept these truths, we become a culture of perpetual childhood.
So where does this leave us? With plenty of work to do. I have put pen to paper as I have a lived experience where I made a conscious decision years ago to face these issues head on. It’s not easy but the first step is the most important. I have made some suggestions about where you could start but the journey is different for everyone. There are some amazing people doing amazing things in raising awareness for men’s emotional, mental and spiritual wellbeing. There are more avenues and options for men to seek help than there were 20 years ago.
Reach out if you would like to start a conversation. Remember, when we change our inner world our outer world changes. Look to the inside not the outside to improve your current situation. The world is waiting for us.
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